


Pray His Soul To Keep

by dk323



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:20:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25929532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dk323/pseuds/dk323
Summary: Sam is intent on getting Jack's soul back. His mind is consumed with making this a reality, so Jack would be whole again. Due to this, Sam has the weirdest dream where he must decide how much he is willing to sacrifice to restore Jack’s soul. In the dream, Dean and Cas give Sam ways to fix Jack's lack of soul problem. But Sam is uncomfortable with the ideas given. After encounters with Lucifer, Jack and a darker version of himself, a horrified Sam falters in his hope of helping Jack.Story follows Jack’s return in 15x11 “The Gamblers” but before 15x12 “Galaxy Brain.” Last scene occurs after 15x13 "Destiny's Child."
Kudos: 10
Collections: Supernatural Canon BigBang 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Author’s Notes:**  
> 
> 
> Thank you to the Mods running the SPN Canon Big Bang! I enjoyed participating in this for a second time.
> 
> Thank you to my amazing artist, [ThePlaidFox](https://www.theplaidfox.tumblr.com) for the beautiful, inspiring artwork. You captured the characters so well, and love how you did the scenes from Sam's dream/nightmare. I enjoyed working with you!  
> The artwork is embedded in the story. :)
> 
> Also, please check out the ThePlaidFox's Art Post on AO3 and/or Tumblr. [Link to Art on AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25391191) and [Link to Art on Tumblr](https://theplaidfox.tumblr.com/post/626734046760894464/for-spncanobigbang-2020-title-pray-his-soul-to)
> 
> Thanks so much to my great beta reader, [Sakarrie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakarrie). I really appreciate your thoughts and advice. You helped me to improve upon this story, so thank you. :)
> 
> Credit to Episode 4.10 of MacGyver (2016) for this story idea-- just for the trippy dream sequence part. The story deviates from what happened in the dream in that episode, of course, but it was certainly inspirational. Especially since my previous idea fell apart, but then this episode of MacGyver aired and thankfully, inspiration struck.
> 
> Also, the idea for a soul being transferred from one human to another is from the canceled show, “Midnight, Texas.”
> 
> The story title is inspired by song lyrics from the Metallica song, “Enter Sandman.” The song is about a dream as is this story, so couldn't resist using it as inspiration for the title. ;)

"I know it will be difficult, but we gotta find a way, Cas. We need to restore Jack's soul. Jack deserves to be whole again."

Cas sighed. "I feel the same, but he just returned to us. We should focus on that. Getting his soul will be near impossible. Remember Chuck couldn't even restore Jack's soul?"

"Chuck shouldn't even be a part of this discussion. You know that, Cas. He had to have been lying then. He saw Jack as a threat to his power. He was more interested in killing him over helping him."

Cas frowned. He conceded to Sam's argument, saying, "Yes. Unfortunately, that is very likely the truth. I wish there was a way we could help Jack."

"We _will_ find one. We just need to do some research," Sam said firmly. 

Sam hoped he sounded more sure of himself than he felt.

Cas gave Sam a small smile. "Yes, I'm sure we will discover the solution. You should go to sleep, Sam."

Sam sighed. "Hard to sleep when I'm worried about Jack. I'll try, though."

"I will stay with you," Cas told him.

"Thanks, Cas."

Sam lay down on the bed, his mind still racing with his concerns about Jack.

He was grateful Cas was there with him. Sam wondered if maybe he should ask Cas to help him sleep better. Yet a part of him still felt guilty requesting Cas use his grace for a minor issue like difficulty sleeping. After all, Cas had told him that he possessed limited grace-- Sam didn't want that grace wasted on him.

Sam sat up in his bed. He looked over at Cas who was beside him, reading.

"Hey, Cas," Sam began.

"What is it, Sam?" Cas asked, looking at him. 

"I just wanted to say thank you for finding Jack and bringing him back home. For months, I thought I'd never see Jack again. That I had to accept his death and try to move on. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. I missed him. I really missed him."

Cas nodded. He put his hand over Sam's and squeezed it. 

Smiling, he said, "I am glad, too, that Jack has returned. That he is alive and well. It was good to embrace him again."

"I wasn't sure he was real until I got to hug him. It was a great feeling."

"I hope we can restore his soul, Sam. I apologize for my uncertainty about it. I only wanted you to know it will be a very difficult process. We must be aware of the odds we are facing."

"Yeah, I get it, Cas. It's good to be realistic. I know some quick, magical solution doesn’t exist. Though if we succeed, then the reward will be worth all the challenges and hurdles. Jack was born with a soul; I don't want to let him down by not making an effort to get it back."

"I agree with you. I don’t like the idea of Jack dying again, but when he does, I hope he will be in possession of his soul by then," Cas confided in Sam.

Sam nodded, feeling the same. He didn't like thinking about Jack dying again, so he focused on restoring his soul first and foremost.

He couldn't help but let out a yawn.

"Looks like the day is catching up to me," Sam said.

He laid down again on his bed.

"Take it as a blessing. You need the rest. When you wake up, your mind will be clearer," Cas assured him.

"Good point," Sam agreed.

He thought it would take some time to settle into sleep for the night, but Sam was surprised that he was asleep shortly after he adjusted his pillow.

Dreaming, he found himself in Rowena's company. Sam couldn't help the guilt he felt at killing her months ago. Even if Sam had been destined to do so according to Death. Even if Rowena had asked him to. Even if Rowena had reassured him that she was grateful for what he'd done. That she liked being Queen of Hell.

Rowena was always on the back of his mind, so it was no shock to him that she was in his dreams. Sam knew one day that he had to make peace with his participation in Rowena's demise, but not in the near future.

"Hello, Samuel," Rowena said, her tone pleasant with her slightly smug ‘I know something you don't know’ smile.

"Rowena. How are you?"

"I'm concerned about Jack. I'd like to help. The boy needs his soul back."

"Even Chuck couldn't restore his soul. Why do you think you could?"

"You said so yourself, Sam. Chuck was lying. He wouldn't have restored the boy's soul even if he could. Stop being so pessimistic."

Sam shook his head. He couldn't believe his change of opinion now-- thinking Chuck’s inability to restore Jack’s soul was due to a power limitation, not -- most likely -- due to Chuck’s contrary agenda. He needed to remind himself that Chuck was a liar. Sam had to hold on to the hope that Jack had a chance to get his soul back. Chuck not being able to restore Jack’s soul shouldn’t matter -- even if Chuck was supposed to be all powerful.

Here with Rowena, he was voicing his uncertainty. He should have more faith in Rowena, but Sam couldn't help the nagging fear that he would fail. Unfortunately, that fear was coming out in this dream. 

Sam hoped he could work through this and defeat the fear. When he woke up, he hoped to be stronger in his resolve to help Jack.

"I am _the_ _Queen of Hell_ ," Rowena reminded him, her voice proud as she spoke. "I have powers, and the desire to help."

"Thank you, Rowena. I know the road to restoring Jack's soul won't be easy, but I want to find a way so badly."

Rowena stood up and placed her hand on his shoulder. "You have the determination, Sam, and if you keep that, then you will find the help your boy needs."

"Yeah, you're right. I'll do my best."

"What you need is a drink. Perhaps that will clear your mind. It won't do you any good to worry yourself to death over restoring Jack's soul."

"I don't know, Rowena. I'm not up for a drink. It doesn't seem like the right thing to do."

"Samuel, Samuel… listen to me. You should follow my advice. You need to relax."

Sam sighed. "Fine. I guess it will do me some good."

Rowena smiled at him. She appeared satisfied that she had won this time.

Sam let her have this one. He watched Rowena vanish before his eyes, and his surroundings shift, transforming into something else.

He was in a bar. Sitting on a bar stool drinking a shot of whiskey was Dean. Of course, he'd be the one Sam would see at the bar. 

"Hiya, Sammy," Dean greeted him.

He slid a full shot of whiskey down the counter, and nodded at Sam to sit down at the vacant seat next to him.

"Hey. So, are we just here to drink? Talk about whatever?" Sam asked.

"We gotta talk about Jack. You had to see that coming."

"Okay, what about Jack?"

"How we're going to get his soul back. What else? Really, Sam. This is your dream here. You gotta know already."

"I didn't want to assume," Sam argued. Dean gave him a look like he thought Sam's answer was dumb. "Fine. What do you know? You thought of a way?"

Dean shrugged. "Maybe."

Sam raised his eyebrows. "Yeah. Well, what is it?"

"Not sure you're going to like it," Dean warned him.

"Try me," Sam challenged.

"What if the soul from someone else was transferred into Jack?"

"But it won't be Jack's soul. I’m not sure if it will work if someone else’s soul is in him. What if it affects who he is like his personality?"

"What if in this case, it doesn't make a difference whose soul it is? Jack will get a soul back. He'll have his sense of right and wrong, his conscience. Jack will be the boy he used to be. It's worth a shot, Sam."

Sam's eyes narrowed. "There's a catch. I know there has to be." 

He considered Dean's idea carefully. He took a shot of the whiskey, hoping it would clear his mind.

Dean just looked at him, waiting for him to think through the idea.

"Hold on. Of course. Someone will be soulless. I can't live with that. I was soulless, remember, Dean? You know what I did. How I acted. I let you get bitten by a vampire when I should have stopped it."

"I wish I hadn't told you about that," Dean admitted, shaking his head.

“So, that idea isn’t going to work. I can’t put anyone — even a stranger — through that . What I put  _ you _ through by having to deal with me being soulless. I know Jack will feel the same way. He wouldn’t want that burden.”

Dean looked thoughtful. “Really? Are you sure about that? Do you think Jack can feel that burden? He doesn’t have a freakin’ soul now, Sammy.”

“Shut up, Dean,” Sam shot back at him. “You know what I mean. If he does get a soul that way, he will feel guilty as hell for it. Not happening, okay?”

Dean looked down into his glass and then returned his gaze back to Sam. “Yeah, sure. It was a crazy idea, anyway.”

Sam didn’t miss the fact that Dean looked like he wanted to say something more, but he was keeping quiet.

“What? You want to say something more. Just spill, man, all right?”

“What if there was a surefire way for Jack to get a soul?”

“I’d prefer if Jack got  _ his _ soul back and not someone else’s soul. We’re not at the place of last resort yet.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, yeah, I get it, Sammy. Forget I said anything then.”

Sam looked at Dean in suspicion. “No, tell me. I want to hear it. I probably will hate the idea, but I want to find out what it is.”

Dean appeared uncertain, but then he let out, “It could be the soul from one of our kids. Maybe the way to make sure it works is to make a sacrifice. Okay, yeah--” Dean raised his hand to placate Sam before he argued his terrible idea.

“I get it! It’s a fucked up thought. I don’t know if either of us will have kids. You know, the right way with raising them and the whole nine yards. But Jack has been a part of our family. So I know you think he will be worth it.”

“Over my own flesh and blood kid?” Sam said in disbelief. “Look, especially after Jack, I don’t believe it matters as much if the kid is biologically mine. Still, the whole idea… knowing Jack has a soul while my own child or yours doesn’t... Like I said, I was soulless, Dean, and the last person I want to have that same experience is my child. Or my niece or nephew.”

“But you don’t really remember what you did back then,” Dean pointed out.

“Yeah. Doesn’t make that whole thing any less messed up. I’ve learned enough about what I did during those months to feel awful about it.”

Dean downed another shot of whiskey. “I could use a beer,” he declared. 

Sam could tell his brother didn’t want to talk about this anymore. Well, he wasn’t alone there.

“If you don’t have any other great ideas, I’m gonna go.”

Sam turned to leave. 

Dean spoke up, “Hey,”

Sam looked over at Dean, waiting for his brother to speak. “Yeah?”

“I’m sorry, man. I didn’t want to upset you here. It was a dumb idea. I get that. I shouldn’t have even brought it up.”

Sam wanted to give his brother a biting retort, but the apologetic look on Dean’s face gave him pause. He really did appear sorry.

Sighing, Sam rubbed his face with his hands. “I appreciate you acknowledging that. I guess I have to accept that any idea to help Jack is worth listening to. Though when it comes to execution, I don’t want the soul transfer to be tested out. I just can’t do that to anyone — stranger or not.”

“Yeah, I hear you. Well, if you want to hightail it outta here, then you do that. Or you could have a beer with me.”

“The whiskey was enough,” Sam declined. “Maybe another time. Tomorrow,” he offered. He didn’t want to leave on poor terms.

“Sounds good,” Dean said with a nod. 

Sam smiled at him. He turned away from him. He was ready to wake up. Surely, this had to be the end of this strange dream?

But Sam found his dream shifting. 


	2. Chapter 2

He saw Cas sitting at one of the lamplit tables in the Bunker. 

Nervously, Sam approached him. He wasn’t sure what Cas was going to say. He hoped he wouldn’t suggest an idea to restore Jack’s soul—at least not one as unnerving as what Dean laid on the table.

“Hey, Cas.”

Sam noticed a vial on the table in front of Cas. The vial was rolling up and down the table ominously. Sam had to wonder if he'd stepped into the start of some horror film. Something about being here gave him the chills. 

He also wasn't too happy that the vial resembled the one that was usually used to store angel grace.

Cas looked up at him, and he smiled. "Hello, Sam."

"You all right?" Sam asked, concerned.

"Of course. I've never felt better."

"It's just I know you've had issues with your powers, your Grace. It must be hard."

"I appreciate your concern, but I'll be okay. I have survived worse than this."

"You don't think Chuck has anything to do with it? Your power problem?"

"Sam, it's okay. I can handle it. Maybe Chuck does have a hand in my power limitations, but we are here to talk about Jack. Let's help him first."

Sam was hoping they wouldn't. He'd wanted to avoid the subject by focusing on Cas's powers problem. He should have realized that would be futile. Worry gnawed its way into him as he wondered what idea Cas would give to restore Jack's soul.

"Do you have an idea in mind?" Sam asked in trepidation.

Cas nodded. "Yes. There is a way to get his soul back. I must give Jack all my Grace."

"What will that do? He still won't have a soul."

"Yes, you're right. But my Grace can be transformed into a soul. Rowena provided me with a spell. It should work."

Sam raised his brow, in disbelief at the idea. “I know Rowena is an experienced witch, but I don’t see there being a spell to alter angel grace into a soul. I can’t wrap my head around that.”

"There _is_ a spell,” Cas told him firmly. “Jack needs a soul, Sam. He needs his sense of morality back—some guidance in how to navigate the world around him. I can offer Jack this. Losing my Grace will be worth it if Jack will be whole again."

Sam shook his head. "No. It can't work. That's crazy, Cas. I won't allow you to sacrifice all your Grace!" He nearly shouted at Cas, his strong feelings about Cas’s sacrifice overwhelming him.

Cas reached out his hand to grab the vial. Sam, horrified, swiped the vial to prevent him from getting a hold of it.

Cas simply looked at him, the expression on his face one of patience as if Sam would decide to hand him the vial.

Gripping the small container hard in his hand, Sam stared at Cas and shook his head. “Seriously, Cas. I know your powers have been failing you lately, but I won’t stand here and let you give away your Grace. I thought you liked being an angel? Did that change?” Giving Cas a careful look, Sam waited for his response.

“I’ve failed at being an angel many times. When I was human, I thought I would be better to remain one. But that was only for a short while. I can’t turn my back completely on millions of years of being an angel. At the time, I had no choice since I could not, in good conscience, sit idle while my brothers and sisters fought against each other. I had to get involved. But now, years later, with Jack—this is different.”

“No. Jack wouldn’t be okay with you losing your Grace. He needs you as you are, as an angel. That’s what Kelly wanted, right? For you to be there to support him? She didn’t want you to do that as a human.”

“I can still help Jack as a human, Sam. I won’t forget what I’ve learned through my many years of existence, and Kelly would have appreciated that her son will regain a soul through my intervention.”

Sam frowned. “Cas, please, just work with me here. I know you love Jack, that you see him as a son. I understand wanting to do anything to help him, but this is a heavy sacrifice. Do you really think Jack would accept it? That you gave up your Grace for his sake?”

“He will learn to understand. Don’t all parents have to make sacrifices for their children?”

“This is different!”

Sam almost didn’t want to hear what Cas would say in reply. 

“Sam, are you more concerned with how Jack will handle it or how you will handle it? Do you fear that I won’t be as useful as before if I return to being human?” Cas asked of him, sounding part accusatory, part sorrowful as he looked at Sam.

Seeming upset, Cas sighed and he turned his gaze down to the table. 

Sam closed his eyes tightly. He hated that Cas had come to that conclusion. He had become a part of their family, a confidant Sam couldn’t imagine being without. While his powers were helpful in a bind, that wasn’t all that Cas had to offer. Sam appreciated the friendship he shared with Cas. Just as Cas, not because of his powers as an angel. 

He was friends with Cas for his personality, for how he cared for others and tried to do the right thing even if sometimes it didn’t work out. Sure, there’d been some missteps, but fortunately, Cas was still his friend. Sam was grateful to have him as a friend too especially when the hunter’s life didn’t give much room for forming friendships.

“No, no… of course not, Cas. I’m only worried. I want you to make the right decision. I want you to be sure that, in the long run, you’ll be good without your Grace. That you can live out the rest of your life as a human. I value our friendship, and that comes with trusting you. Even if I don’t agree with those choices sometimes, I still want to support you. That’s what friends do.”

“Thank you, Sam.”

Nervously, Sam loosened his grip on the vial. He set it down on the table in front of Cas. Reaching out with his hand, Cas took hold of the vial and opened it up.

Cas opened his mouth, and his Grace flowed out of him. The sight of Cas's Grace leaving him was hard for Sam. However reluctant, Sam remained silent as the angelic grace entered the vial. 

Once he finished, Cas looked at Sam with piercing blue eyes, vial filled with his Grace cupped in his hand.

Sam wanted to say something. Maybe make a last-ditch effort to persuade Cas to take his Grace back.

But he didn't get a chance to.

Suddenly, Lucifer appeared in front of him and gutted Sam with an angel blade. Sam fell to the ground, bleeding from the abdomen.

“Couldn’t have picked better timing, huh?” Lucifer joked darkly.

Lucifer vanished. Cas rushed to Sam’s side. Sam felt Cas leave him a moment later. He guessed Cas wanted to grab the vial from the table. Get his Grace back so he could heal Sam now when it was most needed.

“I can’t find the vial, Sam. I’m sorry… I can’t—”

Cas sounded distressed, and it hurt Sam to hear Cas sound so lost.

Sam was breathing hard, feeling miserable as the shock wore off and the pain hit. 

“It’s fine, Cas. I’m grateful. You love Jack. The sacrifice you made is worth it.”

“Even if it means your death? Sam. No.”

“As long as Jack has a soul. It’s okay, Cas. Really.”

Cas looked desperately unhappy.

Sam closed his eyes. He wanted to say something like “Get me to a hospital.” Remind Cas that he could be taken there. That Sam still could survive this.

The dream shifted again, and Sam couldn’t help but groan. He’d almost forgotten he was having this weird dream. He’d been so caught up with Cas’s sacrifice.

He immediately wanted to wake up. He even pinched himself to force himself to awaken. 

Lucifer was standing a few feet away, his irritating smirk plastered on his face.

“Ah look at that. All better, Sammy. I healed you.”

“Get. Out.” Sam said to Lucifer angrily. 

He was terrified, yeah, but he wouldn’t let Lucifer frighten him into a panic attack. After years of torture by the Archangel, Sam refused to be defeated by the Devil again. 

“Ah, Sammy. Don’t you know? I can never leave. I’m a permanent fixture in your head. We have a special connection. One that can’t be broken, no matter my untimely demise.”

“You’re not real. You’re in my head. I can make you leave.”

Lucifer gave a hollow laugh. “No. If you had that kind of power, I wouldn’t be rooming in your head in the first place.”

Sam clenched his jaw. He silently wished for his tormentor to leave, to disappear and get out of his head, out of his dream that was now becoming a nightmare with Lucifer in the picture.

When that didn’t work and Sam still saw Lucifer standing before him, Sam took a breath, exhaling. Damnit, he swore to himself. Hard to admit, but maybe Lucifer was right. Sam couldn't get rid of him even a few years after his death when Dean—while possessed by the other Michael—killed him off in the showdown at the church.

Sam relented, hating to do so, but he thought the sooner Lucifer said what he had to say, the faster he’d get out of Sam’s sight. “What do you want? If you’ve got something to say, just say it.”

“You remember that Jack is my son. Restoring his soul is no guarantee he will be a good person. He still has the potential to be like me, to do bad things. Well, what you misguided humans think is bad or evil. You have to stop, Sam. It’s futile. Giving back his soul won’t be the magical cure-all you want it to be.”

“No,” Sam argued. “Jack has us. He has me, Cas, Dean. He has his family who love and care about him. We will make sure that he never becomes like you.”

Lucifer rolled his eyes. “Sammy, Sammy. That nurture over nature argument is a lie. You have to know that.”

Sam shook his head. “No. You have no faith in Jack. You don’t know him like I do. I know he will do the right thing. Even now without his soul, Jack is trying his best to do what’s right.”

“You know I’m right. Don’t lie to yourself, Sam. It was always on the back of your mind. Even when Jack had his soul, you were worried that maybe he would turn out like me,” Lucifer said, hitting an unpleasant truth that Sam didn’t want to hear. “Oh, you did your best and said the ‘right’ words to him, like you believed in his goodness. But the truth is, you still feared he would go off the deep end. You still followed your big bro’s plan to trap him in the Ma’lak box. You didn’t even stop and have a change of heart before your “son” Jack entered the box under false pretenses. Nice one, Sammy.”

“Shut up. Just shut up,” Sam demanded. 

He wouldn’t let Lucifer’s words affect him. But he couldn’t deny his biggest mistake. He had turned his back on Jack months ago and tricked him into the box. 

Sam hated that he’d followed Dean's plan, that he took the easy route of siding with his brother instead of warning Jack. Instead of finding Cas and asking for his help with what to do with a now soulless Jack. But Jack had killed their mother, and Sam’s emotions of grief and pain were running high. Those emotions had clouded his judgment.

Sam put his hands on his head, closing his eyes. He sees an image of himself over Cas’s body. He attempts to rouse him, but he recognizes that this would be wasted effort. Cas was gone. For good this time.

Quietly, Dean came up to him from behind. “Sam, I’m sorry to have to say it. But there’s no coming back for Cas. He’s staying in the Empty this time. I know you don’t want to hear it, but that’s how it is. And Jack—”

Sam stood up abruptly and he rounded on Dean, pointing a finger on him. “No! Don’t you dare, Dean.”

Dean nodded his head, appearing out of sorts as he clutched his half-empty beer bottle.

“Jack got his soul back, Sammy. And he still did this,” Dean waved his hand over Cas’s lifeless body. Just an empty vessel now with Cas’s life essence in the Empty. “He hurt Cas. Jack _killed_ him. Cas was the closest to a father Jack ever had. He was there for him when Kelly couldn’t be. Even during that Ma’lak box disaster, Cas was still vouching for Jack,” Dean reminded Sam.

Sam hated to hear it because Dean giving him all the reasons why Jack shouldn’t have killed Cas, shouldn’t even have thought of killing him. But it was true. Something had gone wrong with Jack. Sam had believed so strongly that the right guidance would do the trick. With him and Cas working together, they would mentor Jack and help him grow up to be a good person. To not become like his father, like Lucifer.

“We gotta save Cas somehow,” Sam voiced in a vain attempt to believe their long-time friend would return to them. That they could put this terrible ordeal behind him. He could find Jack and find a way to help him. If Cas came back to life, that would be so much easier. He didn’t want to think of the possibility that Cas would be against helping Jack this time around. Discovering that Jack had killed him would change his perspective on helping Jack.

Sam nearly jumped when he heard Jack’s voice.

“I can’t take away what I am, Sam. Lucifer is my father.”

“Jack, no.”

Sam felt despair when he saw Jack speak that way. He didn’t see any light in Jack’s eyes. That wasn’t Jack, the Jack he had grown to care for, to love like a son.

Unable to bear looking this Jack in the eye, Sam prayed for this dream to end.

Unfortunately, the dream continued on.

Sam was confronted with a different version of himself, one who was so far gone that he had become a demon. His eyes transformed from hazel to a fathomless black. 

He looked around him and felt alarmed when he realized how dark it was. It wasn’t simply the cloak of night, it was an oppressive dark. The air, if that’s what it was, pressed in on him and Sam felt like he couldn’t breathe. Doing the best to rally, settling his nerves, Sam faced off against this demonic version of himself.

“Say what you want to say,” Sam said, blunt and to the point.

He stared down the other version of himself. Sam tried his best to muster up the courage to survive the encounter. He recalled the fight with soulless Sam when he’d been trapped inside his mind all those years ago. This was after his wall broke—a memory Sam found painful because it was one of the rare times that Cas had really hurt him. He hated to even think about it. Instead, Sam reminded himself that Cas had made up for it months later, taking the Hell trauma unto himself.

“Your soul is weak,” said demon Sam. “Do you really think after all your soul has been put through that it’s still strong enough to survive? You have a few years if you’re lucky.”

“You’re lying. This is just to scare me,” Sam stood his ground.

“One day, you _will_ turn into me. Your soul will be broken beyond repair. No rescuing it from the Cage. More like Amara sucking out your soul and it’s gone forever.”

“Shut up,” Sam shouted at him.

The darker Sam stepped forward, placing his hands on his shoulders. 

“This is the truth, Sam. You gotta face me. Because I _am_ your future,” the demon said resolutely. Then he smiled a mirthless smile. “On the bright side, you’ll understand Jack better. With him being soulless too.”

“No. I’m going to help him,” Sam shot back in defiance. He clenched his fists, stopping himself from punching his other self in the face. “I won’t let Jack be denied what he deserves, what he was born with. I won’t listen to you.”

“You deny what I’m saying, but deep down, you realize I’m right. I am right!” the demon Sam pointed at Sam’s chest. “You know the Hell Lucifer put you through. You think your soul can last after that? You think you can live to old age after all the torture in Hell? If you think that, you _are_ lying to yourself, Sam Winchester.”

Sam shook his head, refusing to believe what his darker self was saying. 

“Get out of my head. I’m not listening,” Sam grit out.

“It won’t be that easy!” His other self declared. 

Sam took an automatic step back, wanting to get away from this darker version of himself. The version he never wanted to become.

But the other Sam grabbed his head. No matter how much Sam didn’t want to see, he was unable to have that mercy.

Those visions of him killing Dean in different ways—as Lucifer, as a demon—flashed on repeat across his mind’s eye. Sam wanted it to stop, but it only got worse as he saw himself hurting and then murdering Cas. Seeing Cas dead again felt like someone had stabbed Sam in the heart. 

Then it only got more unbearable as Sam saw Jack fall right in front of him. Sam had shot him with a gun—Jack should have been able to survive it, but the gun must have been an equal to the gun Chuck made. Or instead of angel-killing bullets, the bullets were capable of killing a Nephilim? No matter what the gun possessed, the truth remained that Jack was dead on the ground, and Sam watched his other self take the life of the boy he saw as a son. He couldn’t stand it. 

Sam tried to force the hands away from his head. He refused to see more. 

The darker Sam let him go, standing back, but giving off a self-satisfied smile that irked Sam. “Even if you stop seeing it now, you can’t stop what you saw from becoming your future. You will feel better once you stop denying it.”

Sam wanted to yell at him and demand that he give this up. That this crap he was pulling, making Sam see the people loved die, wouldn’t work on him.

But his emotions were getting the better of him. The images still cycled through his mind as unwanted reminders of the dark turn his future could take. Of the people he loved murdered by his hands.

No. No. No. Stop. 


	3. Chapter 3

He scarcely noticed the dark Sam vanishing. Sam collapsed, doing his best to extinguish the terrible images, the visions of an unwanted future from his mind. He tried to motivate himself to be strong, to persevere. After all he’d gone through, he could rise above this. 

But his desire to defeat the nightmare images failed to work. Instead, Sam curled up into himself, his knees up and his arms wrapped around his legs. His head rested on top of his knees and Sam vainly tried to breathe in and out. _ “Calm down, Sam. Breathe,”  _ he silently told himself.

“Sam,” he heard a familiar voice.

Sam’s eyes widened at who it was. 

“Mom?” Sam asked, though he already knew the answer.

But his Mom looked young here, the same way she appeared when Sam first met her years ago when he, Dean and Cas had time traveled to the year 1978. After all the years of just seeing photos of his Mom and hearing stories about her mostly from Dean, Sam never imagined he’d see her in person. When the door opened and Sam saw her standing there, he thought he would cry. He had been so overcome with emotion. Even if his Mom hadn’t known then that Sam was her son, what mattered was that Sam knew. 

It was a blessing to have had his Mom around in the present day for a few years. Losing her still hurt. Sam missed her. 

Sam gave his Mom a weak smile. He watched her approach him and sit down beside him.

“Sam, it’s good to see you again,” she said, her voice soft.

“I want to leave. This dream, this  _ nightmare _ is unbearable. I don’t want to fail, Mom. But what if I can’t avoid it? That it’s inevitable? This could be a part of Chuck’s plan, to break me, and there’s no way to escape it. I wish I knew what to do. I think… maybe… there’s no good way to help Jack. I have to accept he has to live the rest of his life without a soul.”

The younger Mary Winchester gave him a sad look. “Sweetheart, don’t let your thoughts and fears consume you. You _ will  _ find a way to restore Jack’s soul.”

Sam shook his head. “No… I… Mom, it’s near impossible. I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Maybe the other me is right. I can’t avoid my fate, the future where I betray and hurt those I love.”

“Don’t lose faith, Sam. Look at me,” she asked of him.

Sam looked his Mom in the eye. 

“Why don’t you tell me why you’re seeing me, and not my older self? The one Amara brought back?”

Sam looked at her confused, wondering how the younger version of his Mom knew that.

She gave him a half-smile. “I’m in your head, Sam. A part of your imagination. The memories you have, I know them too.”

Sam nodded. “Right. Makes sense.”

Sam was grateful for her changing the subject. He focused on providing her with an answer, his previous concerns pushed away for now.

His Mom looked at him patiently, waiting for his response.

Sam sighed, rubbing the back of his head, still feeling anxious, before he spoke. “The first time I met you was this version of you. Everyone always says how important first impressions are and they’re right. Seeing you, getting to talk to you even if most of the time, you hadn’t known who I really was — it still meant a lot to me. You stuck in my mind. And sometimes — ” Sam paused, as he found it difficult to make this admission even if he was just talking to a figment of his imagination. 

Despite that fact, he couldn’t see the person sitting beside him as anyone but his mother.

“--sometimes I wished that I got to know you when I was a child. Like Dean did for the first few years of his life. I hate that I don’t remember you from my childhood because I was only a baby. I wish Azazel hadn’t killed you,” Sam said in an earnest voice, looking over at his Mom.

“Oh, Sam,” she said, the sound of her voice comforting to Sam.

His Mom embraced him, and Sam clung to her, wanting to hold on to the warm feeling, the sense of calmness it gave him.

She stroked his hair, whispering words of reassurances.

After a few moments, she let him go, and she said, “I wish I had that chance too. But I’m proud of you, of the man you have become. You and your brother saved people’s lives. And even if Crowley tried to undo your work, you still gave those people he killed more time to live. Time they wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t investigated. If you hadn’t stopped the culprit from committing more murders.”

Sam tried not to dwell on losing Sarah during Crowley’s revenge tantrum. Her death was definitely one of his more painful memories. “Glass half full?” He asked.

His Mom nodded. 

“It’s a good idea to remember that, Sweetheart.”

“I will.”

“You’re ready now. I believe in you,” his Mom said.

Sam sighed, closing his eyes then opening them. He took a couple of breaths and was grateful that a feeling of calm settled over him. He was sure his mother’s presence contributed to that.

His Mom stood up and offered her hand to Sam, which he took. He hugged her again, wanting so much to have that touch from her. Even if this was all a dream, a construct of his mind. A year had yet to pass since losing his mother, and Sam yearned for her presence no matter if she was in his head or outside in the real world. 

And he knew, deep down, that his mother would want Jack to receive the help he needed. That she would be heartbroken and upset, yeah, that he had killed her, but she’d still want to help him. She would understand that it was an accident. Sam knew his Mom wasn’t perfect either. Though he didn’t like to focus on her flaws — especially now that she was gone —t he one consolation was that she was at peace in Heaven with their father.

“I will always be here,” his Mom reminded him, placing her hand flat over where his heart beat inside his chest.

“I love you,” he said. 

Reluctantly, Sam stepped away from her and watched her glow a pale yellow and white until she disappeared.

He found the dream shifting to a hallway with only one door in the middle of it.

He took a breath, inhaling and then exhaling, before he reached out a hand to open the door.

The room was plainly decorated with white walls, and the only furniture was a cherry wood table. The look of the room was at odds with the sole occupant. 

“Rowena?” Sam exclaimed in surprise.

She smiled her overly pleased smile. “I did say I would help, did I not.” 

She picked up her cup of tea and sipped from her cup. Her eyes followed Sam as he surveyed the room.

“Yeah, I remember. Just didn’t expect to see you again so soon,” Sam said. “Is Jack’s soul in this room?”

Rowena smiled again, this time a tight-lipped smile. She looked amused, and Sam wondered what was going on in her mind. He was almost afraid to find out.

“Oh, Samuel. This dream was about self-reflection, not where Jack’s soul is hidden away.”

Sam stared at her in disbelief. “Everything I’ve been through — the awful ideas, having to see  _ Lucifer _ _ — _ it was all due to “self-reflection”?”

Rowena took another sip of her tea. “The ideas may have been terrible, but at least you heard them out. It is not enough to simply hope that you’ll restore Jack’s soul, you must go into the quest knowing the depth of the sacrifices you may need to make. Sometimes you need to look  _ inside _ yourself before you can go forward.”

Sam sighed as he sat down in the empty chair across from Rowena. 

“Well, was this helpful?” Rowena questioned when Sam didn’t speak.

“Helpful,” Sam gave a huff. “Some parts were nightmarish. And the last thing I want is for Jack to become like Lucifer. It was awful.”

Rowena nodded, and she tapped her tea cup with a small spoon. “At the least, you saw what you  _ don’t _ want to happen. Isn't it better going into an endeavor understanding all the “what ifs”? Consider that.”

Sam couldn’t deny that Rowena had a good point. “Yeah. I get it.”

“Well, well. I’m glad! Now, perhaps I could interest you in some good Scotch? Or beer, if you prefer,” she finished off.

Rowena sounded unimpressed when she said, “beer” like that drink was beneath her, not worthy of the present occasion.

Sam smiled, unable to stop himself, as he was amused by Rowena being Rowena. 

“All right, thanks,” Sam said. 

He watched as she poured him a drink. 

He drank some of the Scotch. Sam didn’t miss the look of intent in Rowena’s eyes.

Sam raised his eyebrow at her, peering at her expectantly for her to break the silence.

“Do you know what I like to hear?” She asked, her tone light. But Sam heard the note of suggestiveness in her voice.

Rowena spoke again before Sam could reply. 

"The sound of your voice…" she said with Sam noting the flirty tone in her voice. He was familiar with it after all. "In the bedroom," Rowena finished, her smile widening into a grin.

Sam shot up in bed, the dream ending before he could offer a response to Rowena. He was relieved, as he didn’t doubt the dream would have taken a very unexpected left turn. 

While he cared for Rowena, Sam felt the extent of that was friendship. Yet, there were times, after all they shared and been through, that Sam couldn’t help but speculate what if. 

Sam’s thoughts were interrupted when he heard Cas’s voice.

“Sam, are you all right?” He asked Sam, his voice one of concern.

From his seat on the bed, Cas leaned forward, hand hovering over Sam.

Sam saw the worried look on Cas’s face. 

“I’m good, Cas. Thanks for staying. I don’t like waking up alone. I like having you here,” Sam admitted to him with a smile.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Cas said. “I was concerned. I couldn’t imagine leaving. Your heart was beating very fast. I couldn’t wake you.”

Sam recalled his dream and how the last he saw of Cas there, he was dead, a lifeless body on the ground. 

Trying to erase that memory, Sam reached out his hand to grab Cas’s. 

“I’m sorry you were worried. I’m really fine. Even better with you here. I promise.”

Cas smiled. “I’m relieved to hear that. May I check?” He asked for permission.

“Sure, go for it,” Sam said easily.

Sam watched, feeling at ease as he watched Cas’s hand glow white as he checked Sam’s body for any injuries.

Sam recalled the part of the dream that made him smile. Seeing his Mom, getting to talk to her lifted his spirits. He remembered her words that she would always be with him. That he may have lost her in a physical sense, but she was still with him in spirit.

++++++++++++++

**A few days later...**

Sam grabbed a chair from the desk and sat down by Jack's bed. 

Jack was sitting on the bed looking crestfallen. Sam wondered if it was due to regaining his soul or the reaction to Dean's half-hearted acceptance of his apology. Or maybe a combination of both. 

Sam wanted to help. He hated to see Jack look so miserable. 

Sam reached out his hand and put it over Jack's. 

"You know I'm here for you." Sam assured him.

"Maybe it's okay Dean doesn't accept that I'm sorry," Jack decided, sounding sad about it. "What matters is that I've tried," he spoke more to himself than to Sam. He nodded to himself.

"I'll talk to Dean, okay? He'll come around. He knows you were sincere. It's just… he was really close to Mom. He still remembered how she was before the fire. Dean has memories of her I wish I had. He lost her twice, Jack. I'm sure that hurt more," Sam let him know.

"I'm sorry you didn't have those memories, but Mary was still your Mom. You got to know her for a few years. But you forgive me when you shouldn't. I'm grateful you're here and trying to help, but I'm not sure I deserve it."

"You're right. It did hurt to lose my Mom. But when I look at you, I see myself. How I worried about Dean believing that I was going dark side, turning into something we would hunt. Having been on the receiving end of that, I vowed to help you in any way I could. I knew it wouldn't be easy for you to overcome Lucifer being your father. I hoped that supporting you would help you be a good person. To be the son Kelly believed you could be. That I believed you were capable of. Every kid just needs the right guidance."

"Thank you, Sam. When Castiel was not there after I was born, I felt lost. But you were there for me. I wish I could repay you."

"Don't worry about it — you have repaid me. You've saved my life more than once. We're family, Jack. That will never change. And I will always be here for you."

Jack sighed, and he looked down at his hands. He looked up to give Sam a small smile. 

Sam was nervous about bringing up what he felt was the elephant in the room. But he had to address it.

"Jack, I should apologize to you. Tricking you into that box… it was Dean's plan mostly, but I am just as at fault. I went along with it when I should have told Dean it was an awful idea and I wanted no part of it."

"It's okay, Sam. I've had time to think about it. I felt betrayed, but I understand I was scaring the both of you since I had no soul to keep me from doing wrong things. I had to work harder to figure out right from wrong. To care when I felt empty and cold without a soul. And I remember you came to the cemetery to stop Dean from shooting me. I remember you convinced him to stop. You were on my side in the end. I won't forget that."

Jack gave him a genuine smile. Sam smiled in return, grateful that Jack was okay with him. Sam still thought he would never be able to forgive himself for hurting Jack, who was like a son to him. Maybe it was better this way, Sam decided. 

He deserved that burden of guilt for the awful act he participated in by getting Jack into the Ma'lak box.

Sam got up off his chair and embraced Jack. Jack stood up and hugged him back.

"When you came home with Cas, I was so happy, Jack. Happy and relieved that you still chose to come home to the Bunker after everything. I love you, Jack. Don't forget that."

"I love you, too," Jack said, sounding sincere.

"You're not alone, okay? I know it feels overwhelming having your soul back, but you can talk to me. Me or Cas, even Dean in due time. Do you understand?" Sam wanted to make sure.

Jack nodded. He hugged Sam again and once more, Sam was so grateful to have him back. After months without Jack, believing Chuck killed him for good, it was the greatest joy to see Jack return. Sam found it hard to let him go.

+++++++++++++

After leaving Jack’s room, Sam found Cas in the hallway.

“Sam,” Cas greeted him. “How was it with Jack?” He asked.

Sam smiled. “It went better than I expected. I’m glad the Occultum worked. And Jack has us. He just needs some time. But I have faith Jack will get through this.”

“Good, I’m glad to hear that.” Cas said with a smile. “What about you, Sam? You won’t tell me what happened a few days ago. Why was your sleep so troubled?”

“I had a bad dream, that’s all. I feel better now. Relieved I’m out of that dream. It honestly felt like a nightmare for most of the time,” Sam admitted to him.

Cas nodded. He looked like he wanted to touch Sam as he raised his hand, but then he put it back down.

Sam decided to take the initiative. He moved forward and put his arms around Cas in a hug. He wanted to say he was glad that Cas wasn’t dead like he’d been in that dream a few nights ago. It was nice to be able to embrace him as he’d done in the past, to feel Cas alive and close to him.

Then Dean approached them and reluctantly, Sam parted from Cas. He didn’t miss the appreciative smile Cas gave him at the impromptu hug.

Sam saw Dean stare at the closed door to Jack’s bedroom. He looked a little regretful, but then he turned his attention to Sam and Cas and the expression was gone. 

“Seriously, one of these days…” Dean said, shaking his head.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sam shot back at him.

“You know what I’m talking about, Sam. Haven’t forgotten about  _ Samstiel _ ,” Dean said pointedly, emphasizing the final word.

Sam was taken back to a few years ago. After they’d seen their lives turned into a high school musical production, Sam couldn’t resist musing about ship names for him and Cas. He sort of regretted thinking out loud that time. He should have kept it inside his head. Now Dean just had to bring it up…

Appearing confused, Cas asked Sam, “What is Dean talking about? What is Samstiel?”

Sam felt flustered, and he hoped his cheeks weren’t turning red. “It’s just Dean being Dean. Don’t worry about it, Cas. We should uh… do some research, find any cases worth checking out.

To Sam’s relief, Dean mercifully went along with Sam’s change of topic. “Could help ya out there. Think I found a case. I’ll fill you in. Maybe Jack can come too…”

Sam gave him a look that Dean read easily.

Dean nodded. “Yeah, gotta talk to the kid, I know.”

“That would be a wise idea,” Cas remarked.

Dean shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant. “All right, let's move. We got some monsters to torch.”

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave kudos/comments. Thank you so much! I appreciate it.
> 
> Got to point out that Sam seeing his Mom in the dream was an intentional nod to the dream in that MacGyver episode 4.10. I loved that part of the episode, though it was executed differently there, of course. But there were similarities with Mac's Mom being dead too and she helped to calm him down when he started having a breakdown/panicking. 
> 
> Also, I liked Sam seeing the first version of Mary he ever remembered encountering (from "The Song Remains The Same" episode 5x13). Loved the emotional reaction Sam had back then when he saw her.


End file.
